i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
