apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
