I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
