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It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
