What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
