Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize