Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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