So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
