What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
