I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
