I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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