you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
