Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
