Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I have post one night stand depression
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