I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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