Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
