don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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