Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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