i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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