I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
