Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
