I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
