just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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