I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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