Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
