I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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