the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
