I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
