not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
