Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
