Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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