What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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