OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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