I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
People in love make me want to vomit
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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