My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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