Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
