My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
