You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
