To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
