saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
