I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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