my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
sex in a hospital.. check
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
