I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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