Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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