Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
