gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
