Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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