Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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