The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize