He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
