i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
