i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
