everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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