If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
