I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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