So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
