I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
