Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
