WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize