were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
