If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
