Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
