The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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