At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
