All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
