I just saw a hot homeless man
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Alive.
So much puke
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
