the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
