he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
