Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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