mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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